MEGA FEELS

My life imploded almost 6 years ago.

The string of borderline irrational and irresponsible decisions that followed led me to the best version of me yet, though.
A version I didn’t know could exist.

It’s ironic, because at the start of Covid, early 2020, I told my friends I was the happiest girl in the world.
I have everything I need!
My cozy condo.
My baby and his daddy.
A long-term role as an Assistant Controller I could coast into retirement with.
I was beyond comfortable.

Comfort can be dangerous, though. 

By summer 2020, the fires had started.
It was as though the universe heard me and said nah girl, this ain’t it.

I’d done everything I was “supposed” to do in life.
School, career, man, house, baby.
And aside from one short-lived “I made it” moment, I never truly felt satisfied.
There was always a what else?

So I stopped chasing money and started chasing fun.
I took a customer service role at a manufacturing plant – I told myself job titles only meant so much, mostly to cover that I was lost.
I didn’t know what I wanted!!
I just wanted something small enough to leave room for my creative endeavours (i.e. my book).

That job introduced me to a married man who taught me something I already knew and had been refusing to accept — I was completely checked out of my relationship.
I’d tried, for years, to keep my family together. Once I realized how in-like I was with someone who wasn’t my partner, I didn’t know what to do with that as a human.

So, I jumped back into a “real” job and gave my relationship one last attempt.

I threw myself into the next role – logistics, production scheduling, manufacturing protocols, a Jackie of all trades.
I’ve never been a “that’s not my job” girl – I’m a slut for knowledge! Lemme see what you do?!
But my boss was a Zionist – and while I’d love to claim that Politics should be kept separate?
Nah. Get bent. 

I quit that job around the same time I officially ended things with my partner.
BURN IT ALL DOWN, BABY!

I took the summer off, swore I’d finally write my book – something I’d told myself 537890 times over the last decade.
I lasted less than a month before panic sent me job-hunting.
I CAN’T DO NOTHING??

This time, I landed somewhere bigger, closer to home, a place I thought I could lay down some roots.

And I’m sad I couldn’t!

It was here I realized I was thriving as an independent woman. It also forced me to reckon with how I’m perceived versus how I see myself.

But. A year in, we lost a huge chunk of production overnight.
I had already been casually looking for recession proof positions – because I’m quick to jump a sinking ship. 

To my genuine surprise – I found a dream-for-now job relatively quickly. 

And THIS time – I’m confident it’ll be my last “real” job before I move onto bigger things. 

Ten years ago, if you’d told me I’d have four jobs in three years, I’d have told you to put down the crack pipe. But on the other side of the implosion – on the other side of every decision I swore was just me following my intuition – bro, I trust myself. 

Ten-year-ago me would SCOFF at the idea that I so casually trust myself?! That I would ever have had the balls to jump into something new so many times over without crashing and burning. 

Too many of us are afraid to ditch the job, the man, the toxic situation, because doing hard things is hard!
And it often gets harder before it gets easier.
Or maybe life never gets easier – you just get better at it?