MEGA FEELS

I was hardly 8 when my mom first began labelling me as “Emotional.”

So, I was 8 years old when I started to become hyper aware of my emotions – intellectualizing them, considering my thought process behind said intellectualization.
I had to know my feelings were valid in order to express them, because she had to listen to me if my feelings were valid!

lol.

Studies show that if a child’s emotions are consistently invalidated, they learn to become invisible – They keep themselves small, burying their needs and passions to avoid further invalidation.

There’s an obscene amount of us, our parents included, who suffered emotional neglect but didn’t have the language for it.
Emotional neglect? Don’t be a little bitch. You’re fine.

From the outside, I’ve had a relatively privileged life.
My parents had good jobs, a nice house. I always had the newest trendiest everything and went on annual holidays.
A “happy” looking nuclear family – because the kids had learned to suck it up.
All in the name of FAMILY.

My mom loved me as a baby. But the older I got – the more I talked, the sassier I got – the more distance grew between us.
She gave me just enough love for me to know I wanted it, but never enough to feel safe existing.

I never had any passions – I never had that one career or hobby or even topic that excited me.
Any curiosity was met with criticism, so why even try?
I wasn’t allowed to be bad at anything. 

I didn’t know how invisible I’d made myself until I lost everyone around me.
Coming to the realization that I’ve never actively loved myself was one thing.
Realizing I have no idea who the fuck I am was another.

What do you mean I don’t have a favorite anything?
What do you mean I’ve been so isolated from trying things that I don’t know what I like?

I LOVE meeting people who have passions, who GO AFTER said passions – I FEEL SO INSPIRED! Motivated!

BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU MEANNN YOU HAVE A HOBBY/JOB/INTEREST THAT EXCITES YOU?!

Bro – The closest I’ve come to finding a passion is discovering The Sims – I’d spend hours building houses and neighborhoods, basically discovering I’m wicked into design.

I had plenty of distractions to prevent me from learning what a shell of a person I was.

I’m a lovergirl through and through.
My social skills are where I shine – NO ONE CAN READ OR SET A VIBE LIKE ME 💅
I love to love, I’m so good at it!

I default to joy — which, joy is a baby’s default setting, BTW. Stress and anxiety are man-made!
I was young when I taught myself that I had to choose to be happy, to find beauty in the mundane.
My vibe made me a popular loner – A loner, because I never felt as though I belonged – I was just the girl everyone wanted around because “omg I love your energy.” Which often turned into “omg I need your energy,”.

I’ve always surrounded myself with people to love – even the ones who took everything and gave little in return.

BUT DON’T WORRY! I DON’T NEED ANYTHING! PARDON MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE, OMGOSH! I’M JUST HERE FOR YOU…

At 38, I feel like I’m hardly three years old.
It took a broken home – being forced into solitude, no kid to care for, no family to visit, no friends to entertain – to realize I didn’t know how to exist alone.

I slept a lot my first year.
Because wtf else was I supposed to do?
I lost a lot of weight, not from restricting on purpose, but because if I didn’t have to cook for anyone, why bother?
I’m fine.

That went on for a season before I realized: kindly – what the fuck.

Actively rewiring your brain and changing your life in your late 30s is so hard.
I’ve said it before – but doing hard things is hard!
And it doesn’t get easier – you just get better at managing the various levels of hard.

I can articulate my thoughts and emotions on the fly, in real time – which is its own kind of alienating, because I forget how heavy my life reads to others.
Emotional intelligence itself  is alienating, because most of the planet is still running from or suppressing their feelings – as if being sentient isn’t the whole point!!

THE WHOLE POINT OF LIFE IS OUR EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE!
TO FEEL! LOVE! JOY! HEARTBREAK! LOSS!
How TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL it is that we can experience such RANGE!

Which is something that keeps me going on the especially hard days – because to know the highs, you’ve got to know the lows. 

And ouuu – I know I’ve got some highs comin’.