Well, first and foremost I learned that I can’t be trusted not to abuse my free time.
I burned through SO MANY different shows and movies – like, an OBSCENE amount. I basically spent my time loungin’ and chillin’ with my babes, all day every day.
We’d go out for the occasional walk – but there was a point where going out the front door gave me WAY TOO MUCH ANXIETY.
I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!!! THEY MIGHT SEE ME!!
Who?
THEM!!
Yeah, but who?
ALL OF THEM!!
So, the second thing I’ve learned being off is that I ABSOLUTELY have to/had to get a hold of my mental health.
I can’t just fall off the face of the earth whenever I feel necessary.
I have to be consistent – if not for me, than for him.
MY BABY BOY!
And surprisingly, he’s made it…. a lot easier than it’s ever been.
Having a baby really put my entire life into perspective.
To be blunt – I’ve had a hard time admitting I had a problem with my mental health.
I’m not fucking crazy, I’m just a shit person.
Mid-to-late 20s I knew something was up, but I felt like there was a simple end to all my wild feelings.
Get thin and life would work itself riiiiight out.
Because that’s all that matters in this world, right? Being thin means being beautiful!! And being beautiful is my main goal!!
UGH!!!
NUMERO TRES of things that I’ve learned since being off on mat leave – I AM MORE THAN MY APPEARANCE!!!!!!
Now, funny enough – this is the biggest lesson learned here. Because the distaste for my appearance is at the core of ALL OF MY DEPRESSIONS AND ANXIETIES!
Crazy. I know.
But that shit is the TRUTH.
I’ve literally made myself believe that my problems would all be fixed if I was thin. But I could never be thin, because I like food too much and have ZERO self control.
I’m a shitty person.
All around.
Wait a minute…
To say I ever “disliked myself” seems too harsh. Too dramatic.
I’ve never not liked who I was – I know my heart is in the right place, that my intentions have always been well meaning. I’m not a malicious person!
That being said – I dislike the things that you don’t like about me.
Sometimes it’s been that I’m too bubbly.
Too fake.
Too flaky.
I mean, I must be those things, ’cause you said them. And you wouldn’t lie to me. Why would any of you ever lie to me about stuff like that?
Growing up as the fat kid – I have a lot of unresolved body issues. Self esteem issues. I’ve placed far too much of my self worth in the hands of others.
I’m doing my best at reprogramming the way I think about myself – but that shit takes time. It also isn’t a linear process because some days I feel as though I’ve COME SO FAR!! And other days… why the fuck am I even trying, I SUCK!!!!
It’s easier to throw your hands up and blame yourself for being a crummy person than it is to confront your problems and deal with your shit.
“I DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS MY SHIT IS JUST FINE THANK YOU!!” says the woman scrolling through Instagram critiquing the appearance of every female she comes across.
Happy people don’t fuck with other people.
Happy people don’t HATE on other people.
Happy people wanna see you happy – because it’d be a lot more fun if you were up here with me than down there bein’ a dick, man!
I’ve spent TOOOOOOO LONG living my life to please others – and while I genuinely enjoy making you smile and feel good – I understand now that it’s not my responsibility to make you feel good.
So if you don’t like me?
GIT OUTTA HEEERRAHH!
Seriously.
If you or anyone you know has time to hate on another – shit! Y’all got too much time on your hands!!
You also obviously have some unresolved issues baby, so go deal with that shit before you get all up in mine.
We make it easy to fall into the blackhole of misery – we as humans have placed milestones and external factors on what it means to be successful/a good human/SOMEONE TO BE ENVIOUS OF!
And isn’t that what we’re doing here? Trying to outshine one another?
I’m not playing this game where I’m going to pretend my shit is all put together, that I’ve figured life out, or that I’ve got some perfect little life.
I’m just gonna be me – and as a 32 year old WOMAN (lol, why I always wanna say GIRL?) this is a big deal because…
I’m scared of you.
I’m scared of being disliked.
BUT I’M TRYING TO REPROGRAM MY THOUGHTS, REMEMBERRR?
So here I am, on the evening before I have to go back to work (ahhhh), feeling kinda proud of myself for figuring some pretty heavy stuff out.
A mentally productive “vacay”, if you will.
Invisible milestones, man. WOO!
Cheers to self improvement, my friends.
Oh, and babies. I LOVE MY BABY SO MUCH AND AM GONNA MISS HIM OMGOMGOMG.
Though I might kinda miss the cats more because THEY DONT GET TO GO TO DAYCARE!! They just see me leave for 8ish hours a day again NOT KNOWING WHYYY!!!
Hugs and love, and plz. Wish me luck in not dying of exhaustion this week!