MEGA FEELS

IMAGINE BEING WELL INTO YOUR THIRD DECADE AND ONLY JUST NOW SEEING YOURSELF FOR THE GIRL YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN??

The girl I’ve spent my life doubting because APPARENTLY I’VE SECRETLY HATED MYSELF?

Which ew, never.
I don’t hate anyone – as if I’d waste the energy on myself.

But the opposite of love isn’t hate. 
It’s indifference. 

I NEVER HATED MYSELF. 
I JUST DIDN’T CONSIDER MYSELF. 
WHICH IS BASICALLY INDIFFERENCE.

WHICH IN LAYMAN TERMS MEANS THAT, YES.
I HATED MYSELF. 

Aww! Comment c’est possible???
I LOVE to love.
I’m SO good at it. 

I learned it’s ‘cause I grew up never feeling loved so I crave connection SO DEEPLY that I give everything I have to everyone around me in hopes of finding said connection – which like. Neat, ok! 

But I’m her now, so?? Just let me love??

I love without boundaries – You don’t have to earn it!
I love until you gimme a reason not to!

This totally sets me up for both platonic and romantic heartbreak, but??
LOVE FEELS SO GOOD.
It’s so much BIGGER than the other emotions. 

Go big or go home, baby!

Said heartbreak had me spending the last few years actively working at understanding myself, though.
After discovering there were reasons for being the way that I am – I became addicted to therapy. Books. Public forums.
It’s become almost toxic in that I’m always trying to find the logic behind my madness.
Often explaining away my feelings without actually feeling them.

But a recent dumb AF experience had me in my feels HARD – Drowning in self doubt – questioning WHY I still chase the ones who secretly hate me. 

What’s the lesson I’m missing? I thought we knew better?
Which had me asking if I secretly hated myself?

Nah – we good.  

So I fell into the abyss of self reflection.

Tf is my problem?
If I don’t hate myself, why do I get myself into heartbreaking situations that I could have avoided?

It eventually lead me to my AHH moment – which was.. OMG. Do I even consider myself?

HEALING NOT BEING LINEAR IS SO DUMB. 

I don’t LOVE myself.
But I WANT to. 
Because, aw??
As if I don’t already?
As if I don’t deserve it?

Which brings me to an OMG milestone – Have I reached a level of self acceptance where I feel DESERVING of love???

This would explain why it feels like suddenly, everyone loves me more than ever before!!
Even though I’ve not changed how I love? I’ve not changed how I show up in this world?

Maybe it’s not that “suddenly” everyone loves me.. It’s that I AM FINALLY AT A PLACE WHERE I CAN ACCEPT IT.

Because I am WORTHY of it. 

So now what?
How do I learn to love myself when I don’t hate myself?

I could argue that I already love myself because of all the effort I’ve put into trying to better myself?

Which oh my GOD?

I DO already love myself!!?

I JUST COULDN’T ADMIT IT, BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT IT?
BECAUSE I DIDN’T FEEL WORTHY?!!

Holy SMOKES. I’m spiraling in self realizations right now!!

You accept the love you think you deserve.
AND I DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER BEING DESERVING OF MY OWN LOVE??

YOOOO – I’m out here FINALLY feeling deserving of the love I give!!

Does that mean I’m ready to accept the BIG love that I’ve always FELT like I was meant for?

BRO. I’M CHILL AF.
BUT I WANT A BIG LOVE.
Mutual obsession/attraction/consideration.
Ultimate bestiehood with a heavy side of smitten AF.

Now that I’m #HEALED in a totally new way – Ahh!

I’m manifesting the LOML RN, bro!!
I attract the things I DESERVE, baby!

There’s no WAY I’m not about to meet my match.

lol

If I can spiral into these realizations over just a few short paragraphs?
The rest of this year is gonna be FUN AF. 

LIFE MOVES WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, SWEET BB.
DON’T FORGET TO CONSIDER YOURSELF.

xo