MEGA FEELS

I suddenly appreciate how much of a writer girl I’ve always been – because stumbling onto old entries like this have me REALLY noticing just how far I’ve come. 

Fun story – Ya girl used to be a hardcore stoner.
I started smoking weed at 14 – and didn’t stop until I got pregnant with my son (at 30).
And when I say didn’t stop? Bro – I was dipping out on Christmas day to get my fix. 

Family gatherings?
I can remember re-appearing into the parties, and my brother giving me the side eye – Perk of having a family of cigarette smokers? I SWEAR THEIR NOSES WEREN’T AS SENSITIVE TO THE SMELL OF WEED.
The fact that I could hot box my fucking closet, and somehow think the entire house didn’t smell?? 

It’s not that I never drank – I just smoked more.
And if I’m being honest? It kind of fucked up my social life in later years – because I developed a weirdo social anxiety.
I preferred smoking weed alone – or with a group of very few people that I felt 100% comfortable with. 

My pregnancy was the longest I’d been sober in nearly 2 decades.
I hated it. 

My sleep was off.
I was scattered – it wasn’t until my son was diagnosed with Autism and started behavioral therapy that I learned my smoking weed had helped me self medicate for years. 

YA GIRLS BRAIN IS CRACKED – It moves a mile a minute – I’m constantly ON!

Turns out it’s programmed with ADHD and a touch of the ‘tism.
Weed helped me slow’er down – Helped me CHILL. 

I just… abused the substance. 

For those who say weed isn’t addictive?

Bro – any habit can become addictive, ok!!
And this was BEFORE it was legal – back when you’d score ditch weed in random dudes cars and garages…

Reading the below – 4 years after the fact – I feel more accomplished than I realized. 

When I wrote this? The fires had already started – I was in the midst of falling for the married man that helped me accept that my relationship with baby daddy was dead (you can read further into that hot goss here).

She already thought her life was hard – but she had no idea how heavy it was about to get. 

It’s posts like this that remind me that the moves I make are for HER – for all the versions of me that felt so obscenely lost in this life.
She always did what she was told! She always did what was expected!
And as much as she KNEW she wanted to make moves for herself – SHE COULD NEVER truly COMMIT!!!

Because.. “I’m fine. It’s ok…”

The following was written in early 2022 – a full year after moving into our house – just over a year after having lost her entire family overnight. 

2022 Me:

Not a year goes by where I don’t start it off thinking “THIS IS GONNA BE THE YEAR I CHANGE MY LIFE”.

By now, I’d have already thrown in the towel, likely not having changed my way of life even a little. 

It’s just so hard to do the “extra” things, right? 

Like, I HAVE to work. 
I HAVE to feed/entertain/clothe my child.
I HAVE to keep the house moderately tidy. 
And the LAUNDRY. The bane of my existence. 

All the other stuff – WHY? What’s it even matter?

Then the night comes, every night – and I fall asleep telling myself that TOMORROW – Tomorrow we’re gonna be better. 

Tomorrow is gonna be the day…

I pass all responsibility to future me – thinking she’s gonna just.. Suddenly have all the energy and motivation to do what I can’t do right now.

One of the biggest driving factors behind quitting my use of the marijuanas was because I was convinced it was contributing to me being tired all the time. 

And it was, lol.

I love me a good indica – Sativas often get my heart pumpin’ and my anxiety flarin’. 

I am a LOT less tired now that I don’t smoke weed every day – but I’m a different kind of tired. 
One where I’m just exhausted from LIFE. 
‘Cause UGH. What am I even DOING?! WTF is even going on?

Weed made me complacent with being bored. 

It numbed the fact that all I did every week for YEARS – was work, eat, watch tv, sleep, repeat. 
We’d attend the occasional social gathering – maybe host one ourselves – even went on a vacation here and there!

But we’re so zombie’d into our capitalistic routine. 
I’m not doing anything for ME. 
Work and consume. Work and consume. 

Food!
Fashion!
Media!

But what am I doing for ME? How am I taking care of myself?

Adding a fuck load of plants to take care of doesn’t EXACTLY equate to self care. 
Shit is therapeutic but can still be a chore. 

Ouu I guess I’ve developed a fun little skin care routine! That’s totally for me – and something that scored me an extra 20-30mins sans bébé…

But I don’t take time for me – I am almost ALWAYS focused on taking care of humans/cats/plants – and when I’m not? I’m glued to my phone or the TV – often with a snack or two. 

Or maybe ten.

I told myself this year would be different because I was going to be more realistic with how I did things – that I wouldn’t expect a hard change right from the start. 

ONE THING AT A TIME! DON’T OVERWHELM YOURSELF INTO DOING NOTHING.

Because suddenly you’re 34 and you realize you’ve DONE NOTHING (or next to) to reach any of the SAME aspirations you’ve had since you were 24.

Which was only a couple of years ago???
TIME, man. 

So – the next time I report back on my “THIS IS THE YEAR” goals – I hope to have created SOME kind of realistic routine. 

Which as of right now – I’m not sure what that’ll look like. 
‘Cause waking up EARLIER than I have to? No thanks. 
Doing things after the child is in bed? Yah, no.

UGH. DOING THINGS IS HARD.
I’M JUST SO TIIIIIRED!!!!!!

But hey – if I can surprise myself with how “easy” I’ve found stepping away from the dope – maybe getting into some kind of ROUTINE will be easier than I think. 

Health experts are always saying that eating better foods and moving your body will give you more energy – SO MAYBE I’LL GIVE IT A GO. 

Hugs and love

Current me:

She was SO close to realizing she was taking care of everyone but herself.
That she wasn’t giving herself the same love and softness she so freely gave to others.

When I tell you my protein and calorie intake has been the main focus of my days?
That my 4-5 day a week training program has become a near necessity?
4 years ago me WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I wouldn’t want to tell her – because it would scare the absolute shit out of her – but little did she know that WEED wasn’t her biggest obstacle.
And she wouldn’t learn that until her entire life burned to the fucking ground.

Baby – Your life was built for a version of you that didn’t exist.
A version you had been molded into – because it kept you small.
It kept you safe.

Even though you were CONSTANTLY at odds with yourself about it…

But 4 years later?
GIRL! It wasn’t easy, it’s fucking sucked.
BUT! WE’RE DOING IT!!